Yogini Musings

where is the man

2011-05-24T00:42:00.000-07:00

Where is the man

who lovingly made a plan

drew a map

took that snapshot

pulled me into the waves

and into his embrace

Where is the man

who calls Bella

and sings

trisha don’t worry

Where is the man

who professes a pure love

when I need him most?

Where is the man

that asked for my return

and held my hand

on a sunny day

as the radio

played a familiar song

Where is the man

who asks

reside in this moment

then again and again

turns away at the moment

the request is met

I ask an empty space

when will you stay

in this present moment with me?

Life is a celebration; one just never knows...

2010-12-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

It is the time of year that leads to reflection. As the year closes one sits in quiet reflection...coming and goings...what filled this year? Many many things filled this year...It seems strange but I actually feel like I started the year as a young girl and emerged as a woman. Finally. I emerged from my cocoon ready to fly.

In all the trials and tribulations of this year I learned that life is a celebration. I learned to say I love you without fear, to speak with clarity and compassion, and to be gentle to myself. I learned to rest in the moment and love everything I do...even if it is hard or scary.

I close this year thinking I never thought my life would be the way it is but it seems so perfect. I close this year grateful that each new day brings the next adventure and I am walking towards each new day with my arms wide open.

Mariana came a pirouetting today...

2010-08-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

as I sat in the warm glow of morning meditation...

she came in a glorious blur of light

eyes of blue with soft curls too

turning, laughing, and turning...

the laughter bounced upon the walls and fell around me

and bruised by mind...

she pirouetted right there in that sacred space

dancing and laughing a bundle of joy and innocence

pirouetting Mariana pirouette

in a whisper came a deafening sound

a thought well known...I didn't ask to be here.

what is best sweet Mariana...what is best for I know not

you sweet divine being...tell me.

turning.. a dashing grin...disappearing

and I wondered

¿cómo he llegado hasta aquí

Sadness in the Silence

2010-08-12T13:54:00.001-07:00

Sadness isn't a place that I visit much anymore but when I do it is as uncomfortable as it ever was. I am ever perplexed by the silence I find in this world. Being a communicator by nature and valuing each human being as a drop of the divine, I struggle when those near and dear to me use silence as a means of communication. It is quite destructive...slowly eroding faith and trust.

It is so strange because open communication often shines light on those ways in which our minds can deceive and manipulate us. Communication frees us from our fears created in our smallest minds and opens our eyes to the infinite possibilities available.

Being on the receiving end of silence always makes me feel like I am being punished. There is nothing I find more confining and frustrating then the pain it evokes. No matter how I try I can not shake it and always forget...it really isn't about me.

I have yet to find the answer...but what exactly does this silence mean and why does it have such a hold over me?

A delicate balance....

2010-07-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today I had a lovely opportunity to watch my mind and all its delicious ways it likes to MESS with me. I had to pull out all the stops. I set about to make my space beautiful and shinny clean and FINALLY put away all the clothes I washed before I went to Tahoe this weekend.

I can't just clean one part of the house and move on. I have to clean the whole house at once and everything looks like a disaster for a good five hours. A friend once said, "you must have ADD". You see I work in one area...like the kitchen and I can focus for about 20 minutes and then my mind starts up. what if...

So I start my mantra and move to another room...like the bathroom. I sweep the floor, hand wash the edges of the room and then around the toilet and then my minds starts up. what if...

So I start my mantra and move to bedroom to fold and hang the laundry. First I have to organize it and then I can work more efficiently to hang everything up. Yoga pants, tops, skirts, shorts, socks, etc... and then my mind starts up. what if...

Then when I look around and realize there is nothing left to do and I smile and then laugh at myself and the journey I took inward while outwardly taking care of my living quarters.

A text comes in...i have been thinking...

I left the house and walked to get away from my mind...to get away from all the thoughts that were slowly encroaching on my freedom. I have decided life is a delicate balance and it is all out of my hands.

All the while as I watched this whole thing unfold, I know I am still happy and I am still present but it seems today was a little cloudy on the inside and I had to work to stay mySelf...it didn't come easy.

I really had to laugh at the battle I created within today; I am still laughing. Especially in realizing I misunderstood said text.

The beauty of modern technology and the distortion of the mind...not a good combo.

My heart is full...brimming with love.

2010-07-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

A trip to the mountains and a chance to sit on the shores of the Lake that I so love as well as watching a sunset from the top of Heavenly...it charged my battery...so to speak.

I am constantly amazed by life right now. Every where I turn there is sooo much beauty. I was with a friend in my studio today and he pointed out the lovely view of the parking lot and I laughed because I never notice it...

Then I said here lay down on the floor and all you will see is beautiful sky and green trees. Then during class as my clients were settling in for final Shavasana I looked up and noticed the sun was setting and creating an alpen glow effect...I feel so blessed. Soo much beauty.

I am not quite sure what will happen from day to day but what I do know is I will be okay. This has created some sweet moments in the past week for which I am grateful. (thank you)

Today was hard...

2010-05-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

Who will pay by all these budget cuts in our schools--yes the children. It was a day full of sorrow--I was on the edge of tears all day. Something in me really shifted when I saw Annette--our every on it librarian--start to cry.

It doesn't help that it is the end of the term...the kids and the teachers have spring fever. After a day like this, there is nothing I want more than to hear I matter...to be held tight and told everything will be alright...

Humbled...

2010-04-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Where does one begin when one is quite confounded...maybe one should check in with their ego and have a chat or two.

I found myself recently back in an unexpected place with an unexpected person who not only delights me but also confounds me. I watched as each moment unfolded...stunned once again by the beauty of this sweet soul that I believe I love more than any other.

Then as with some love stories it was like a screech of the record when flow stopped and reality set in. I found myself lost in myself...lost in the most intense emotions...I felt like I was in a ocean and I was barely keeping my head above water. Each day, as I laid down to recoup, I would celebrate making it through another day.

Then came the storm which drove me as far away from Self as it could and then back. Then I saw it...my ego...the desire at the root. One of my good friends said...ah you are clearing a desire; those are the most painful.

I was shocked to see what I saw. First some strange tale I tell myself about not being good enough. (I thought I was done with that) Second, as a result of my desire, my ego was busy manipulating away...manipulating me...trying to manipulate others. Not such a pretty sight to see.

I was quite disgusted with myself...which is giving way to a more gentle acceptance and forgiveness. I pray for grace. It is definitely humbling to see the ego at work and the ways in which it still controls me even after all the travelling I have done...cheers to progression. Waiting for the brick wall to soften and to truly stand in the bliss of my true self.

Wow...dating...really

2010-02-20T01:29:00.000-08:00

Its been a year since...and I am yet tentative to re-enter the dating scene. I find the whole menagerie somewhat intimidating. So many rules and nuances that make no sense to me. I opened the door a sliver and I find myself utterly confused and confounded.

Confounded

something
utterly simple
that smile

yet--something complicated
that it stirs up--inside

something
utterly luminous
in those eyes

yet--something complicated
that they show--deep inside

Wonder why
when wondering why
rarely leads anywhere

always returning
that same place...

something
utterly simple
that smile

and whispering...maybe this time...

a gift that continues to give...Parvati

2010-01-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

This week was one of much turmoil. I feel more calm on the inside so when the outside world gets turbulent I get nervous and revert back to some of my less than favorite coping mechanisms. Then I have to laugh at myself.

I really don't get how to deal with the dysfunction I see in public schools. I just want to teach...but then again is that my dharma? I made a simple comment at a meeting that ignited a chain of evens that had me seriously contemplating walking away from teaching. (Yes, the Pitta was up and I was not able to stay as we say in my toes).

I took the whole situation way to personally. I felt so attacked and mis-understood and like the odd man out. Too many old patterns that have never served. I went to sleep on Friday night and through out the night mantra-like I saw a succession of images in my dream that clearly told me: you are the igniter Parvati don't take this personally. You must stand firm, even in the fire, even when you feel scared. Don't run...but sit in it. It will pass. When I awoke I remember back to the day I was given the name Parvati...Nirmalanda did say you know she is the igniter...I get it better now then I did then.

Then I felt a intense push to just be me and stop apologizing for the beautiful person I am or trying to stay small so not to offend.

Just sit...

2010-01-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

Just sit

We called to Shiva and I remembered how you smiled when we danced in our living room

We called to Krishna and I lost myself in the words; I found reprieve

We called to Radha and many sweet moments came to mind
each time I bade them good bye
and the tears ran down my face

I called to Amma and prayed for her to take it all away
she called back and said just sit

sit in the love
sit in the fear
sit in the anger
sit in the pain
sit in the joy
just sit

I turned to my inner sanctuary and found you there in the center of the lotus of my heart

You pulled me down and there we sat as the memories came to visit
a touch in passing in passing a basket full of flowers full of flowers blessed with love

I ran to go and you said just sit here and pulled me in
then you wrapped your arms around me and then you became me and I became you and we sat some more.

I looked down and we were so intertwined I couldn't find your end and my beginning

...just sit.

how...

2010-01-31T19:27:00.000-08:00

why you resist me sweetest one
for I am here

close your eyes--end your seeking
I have been here all the while

merge into me love--long have I waited..

how...

like two drops of water

The Sweetness in all things...

2010-01-24T16:22:00.001-08:00

My journey to and back from LA offered so many opportunities to look at my Self, my life circumstance, and allowed me to rest in a place that I never fathomed existed.

I moved to LA full of hope and love...love for life...my teacher Amma...Carlitos...and being alive. I was hopeful of sharing Svaroopa Yoga with LA and deciding if I would ever re-enter the high school classroom. I did not know what my future held...I like to say I had no expectations but I did and I never thought it would end or begin again the way it did.

The last week in LA, I was out grocery shopping--a normal part of my routine--however it was the last time I would shop for my sweet little household. It started to dawn on me that Carlos and I were going separate ways and my inner state surprised me to say the least.

I was full of love; I remember looking at the clouds illuminated by the sunlight and I asked myself where is all this love coming from...who are you in love with? The resounding answer...I am in love with this life...with myself...with Shiva. (enter preferred deities name here)

As I packed and continue to prepare meals and do laundry that last week I was adsorbed in love. Mind you while facing the possibility of the dreaded word--cancer. At the time, I thought thank you Amma for taking care of me in this time of great need.

But, it never stopped...granted I still have moments of saddness, or frustration, or anger but my predominate state is pure bliss...a love so delightful that it sustains me through every task I undertake.

My perspective on things and my attachments to people and things have certainly changed. I still get upset but I always arrive at the same end spot...that person, that situation is so worthy of love and compassion. I cling less and count on others outside of myself less. I also have deeper connections to those who are close to me. There is an ease to my days and in my relationships.

There have been some unforeseen explosions in my life and although saddened by them I trust that I am no longer the driver of my course. I have learned that in each thing there is a time frame and when the time comes the time comes. Each time I have felt anxiety over a door closing I look to find new paths untravelled that didn't seem to be there before. This whole process has taught me to listen and to be present and know that always always I will always have Shiva...always have the Self...always have all the love I could ever want right here within the tiny frame--my vehicle for this lifetime.

So, here I am back in Sacramento, back in the High School Classroom, back to health and wellness, very different but more the same and ever absorbed in love...that my friend is the sweetest nectar. Yet, I am still human and that is even sweeter yet.

In Peace and utterly in love, Parvati

Fall Freshness...

2009-10-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year I love the most. I love how gentle the sun's rays caress my being and bath everything in a glow of amber. The rain creates a sense of freshness and washes away the intensity of summer.

As the leaves change, I feel compelled to withdraw inside and renew myself as the trees do when the drop their leaves. It is a definite time of introspection. I linger in bed longer these days as the sun isn't up when I get up and I long to just nestle in the warmness of my blankets. (smile)

The crisp air and the sound of rakes makes me want to dance a dance of celebration for the ending of one cycle and honoring death in all its beauty. As I know from death comes birth and awaking...

Dance, Dance, Dance,
Shiva bring me solace
in the beginning and the end
help me to see
what is so close yet so unforeseen
Dance, Dance, Dance,
Sweetest Shiva
bring me past my self to see my Self
Allow me just one caress upon the cheek
so I can dance alone until we meet.

I am happy you were happy...

2009-10-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

one sentence

I am happy you were happy

and it cut to the quick
his words have always
had some magical
power over me..

She must focus on her love
and leave everything to her king
you are truth
you are also light and love
this is nothing but pure grace
you make me want to seal you
with waves of wet passionate kisses
my goddess my expression of love
I am in you as you are in me. I feel also like
starting a supernova just out of this love bursting out
tu belleza no tiene limites
mmm bella...I want to eat you with kisses
You are love my love
You have to be love incarnated
Tambien te queiero mi chiquita bella
You don't have to respond to this but I love you
we can dry or wet our conversation doesn't matter
what unites us is that longing for God
whom I find in you my love
Radha mia
yesterday I had the biggest relief
when Amma showed me you on her hands
Telling me nothing can ever happen to you
mi vida
Vida we are one
Bella te adoro
One day closer to my dancing goddess
Buon giorno principessa mia
oh my Radha we have always been together
you are the light of my life
I am your hug as you belong to my smile
you make my life
you are pure love my Radha. Te quiero

I am happy you were happy
as if he wasn't there the whole time
to sit and eat the meals I made of mantra and love
as if he wasn't there the whole time
listening to me breath in the night
as he held me tight
his words cut to the quick

A new name....

2009-06-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, 1594

Having spent the last 20 days travelling and doing Sadhana (spiritual practices) I am quite grateful to be home. Also grateful for all the lessons I learned in those 20 days as well as the new name that I will be known by: Parvati.

It is funny, some have asked why do you want to change your name...why is it important to you? Are you nuts? Whats the big deal? Can I still call you Trisha/Trish? Well, In fumbling through these answers I have found space to think about what is important to me about my new name and why I chose to take on a new name. Yes I will still answer to Trisha but would prefer not ever to be called Trish....it is a long story--boring too.

After I finished Level 1 of yoga teacher training I knew there was no turning back and I also knew that I began to feel very different. Some people noticed and others didn't. I remember once my Grandmother looked at me and said who are you and what happened to Trisha. Your face is softer, you speak differently, what is going on...

Well, as I continued my journey and yoga training I began to know I desperately wanted a new name. At first I was going to name myself Shanti (Peace). Then that was shattered when I met a woman named Shanti who was far from peaceful.

I watched the movie The Namesake and was awe struck by the simplicity and depth of the character Ashima. I loved that the name meant limitless and identified this idea with the limitless possibilities I was finding in myself as a result of my dedication to my spiritual practice. Then somehow I realized I could not pick a name for myself that my spiritual teacher would have to pick the name for me.

After graduating from Yoga Teacher Training and taking the journey to Los Angeles I really felt it was time to again seek out a name for myself, but something held me back. Recently my teacher from Master Yoga became a Swami. Rama became Swami Nirmalanada Saraswati and began giving names to people in the Master Yoga organization and Svaroopa Yoga teachers.

Everything clicked for me in the moment that I learned that Swami-ji could give names. We were walking together at a conference in Los Angeles and she was offering me support in regards to my life situation. I told her I was excited to hear she was able to give names and she said she had been able to for awhile it was just now that she was making it public. At that moment it was like the last wall between me and a new name faded and I was overjoyed!

In April, while assisting Swami-ji at Foundations at Mt. Madonna, I asked her if she would give me a name. She said she needed some time and I said that I would see her in June at Vichara Training. A week before Vichara Training I wrote her an email to remind her of my desire to have a new name and she said, "oh, yes I have been ready for you for a while." I danced all around the house in joy and wondered what could it be....

There had been some interesting moments in the weeks since I had asked her for a name. All the sudden I was drawn to stories about Parvati and when chanting the name I was filled with the deepest sense of love. So, when I was sitting with Swami-ji and she said Parvati I was delighted...I think I said...I knew it! She reminded me that Parvati is the igniter.

While at Amma's public programs in LA, an Indian friend said...that is almost like being called Shakti...wow...who knew! I have since learned that Parvati is the daughter of the mountains...which is very fitting and that she is the representation of love. Wow, each day my new name is like a present waiting to be opened layer upon layer just like the yoga opens our bodies.

I agree with Juliet. As I find myself still the same sweet person but some how new and shinny all at the same time. Swami-ji put it well when she talked about getting a new name. She said it gave her something to see herself as and something to strive too as well.

Having a name like Parvati reminds me I am a goddess...even when I forget. I just smile and whisper my name to myself and instantly I feel different. I said to someone today. My new name is an outward respresentation of my inward journey something that is not easily explained in words. But this new name Parvati captures it all in one word. So instead of reading volumes of my journal you can understand the transformation by embracing this new name...

Pre-Birthday Musing

2009-04-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

It is the day before my 37 birthday...how do I feel? Strangely I feel much the same as I did when I was younger with a few changes. My feelings still get hurt easily and sometimes I am too quick when responding....I do think things through more slowly and with less panic, fear, and emotions...yet I am still the same.

I remember telling someone recently about the progression of my yoga training and how each time I returned I had a new experience of mySelf. (In yoga the Self is the part of you who recognizes it is one with the divine where as the the small self is the ego and desire driven part of you that does not recognize its divinity and can be somewhat delusional).

Level 1: I returned thinking I had no idea who I was and wondered how I was suppose to start a new job at a BIG high school the next day...this feeling lingered for some time. In some ways I felt like there was ALOT about me that needed to change and I better get working on it.

Level 2: I returned assured I knew more about teaching yoga and so much less about my Self. I had a strange year of trying to figure out who I really was and still felt this impulse to 'be perfect'.

Level 3: I returned with a strong sense of feeling very grounded in my body. I felt solid in my ability to communicate and teach yoga. I felt well equip to say NO! I started to see that I was just fine the way I was.

Level 4: I returned home incredibly in love with my s/Selves both the small sense of myself that is limited and desire driven as well as my big Self who is constantly connected to the divine essence of this universe....It was an amazing time. I was utterly in love. I realized I didn't need to change anything about myself and that I would best serve myself by accepting the imperfections of my body and mind and get down to doing the work (dharma) of this lifetime.

So, I do feel different, yes wiser and more slow in how I respond to others and I feel more aware of the whole but I am still Trisha...and I do utterly love my S/selves...when I really think about it.

Happy Birthday to me.

If I finish the feedback forms what will I do tomorrow...

2009-03-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

So lets just say things have been a little challenging these past few weeks and spare everyone the details...including myself. In the middle of the chaos, I have found many sweet little morsels of yogic truths...and one lead me to this.

My grandfather...sweetest man in the world besides my dad...had all these great sayings like most elders I am sure. He use to say, "Charlie, (that is what he called me) don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today." I always thought he was teaching me about laziness or not to procrastinate which are good lessons to learn but today I thought it goes deeper than that...it seems all those old sayings do.

Well, I do Seva (selfless service) for Master Yoga. Master Yoga is the Foundation which trained me to be a Certified Svaroopa Yoga Teacher and where I continue to study Yoga Therapy. Anyways, I noticed the pile of feedback forms that needed typing where piling up. So I made myself promise that I would get them all done in one weeks time. It takes about one hour to one and half hours to do one course. Well I had 14 of them! So I blasted through them and on the second to last day before my self set deadline I realized I was going to be done. I was so excited and smiling away and then all of a sudden within me this little voice came up and said, "what will I do tomorrow if all the feedback forms are done? " and all the sudden my joy was stripped and replaced by a sense of terror.

I slowly watched the ebb and flow of my mind and began taking very deep yogic breaths. All of the sudden my joy returned and I realized that if I finished the forms I could do other things on the computer like write on my blog or put together photos with a poem for my friend Carin's March Photo Challenge. I also thought I could go to the beach, or do yoga and meditate, even more sinful...just sit and do nothing.

As the days went by I realized a lot about myself and procrastination. All those piles on the desk where swept away very quickly today. The yoga studio got deep cleaned and C and I went to the ocean today. Wow! Plus I will be able to finish the scarf for Antonio Mario's visit next week!

Okay, so the dishes still pile up...but I am working on it okay. Going back to my grandfather's quote and my new way of perceiving those words spoken so long ago...I see now that in not doing what can be done now I actually rob myself of many present moments. I worried about those forms for weeks and kicked myself for not getting them done and holding up Master Yoga etc. etc. I was so busy beating myself up that I did not enjoy my yoga, or the book I was reading because in the back of my mind I was worrying about this or that.

Yesterday, I woke up and quickly took care of some business regarding my leave of absence and I was free the whole day to just be. I enjoyed my day...it was sweet. I don't remember what I did but I know I wasn't worrying.

I love this thing called Yoga. I am grateful to my teachers and the divine Grace each of them bring to my life...even in the middle of the chaos I call my life I am very happy!

And yesterday, more forms came in the mail. :) Yes I set a deadline. I understand deadlines in a whole new way now.

Accepting Support....

2009-02-15T13:28:00.000-08:00

As a grown woman...I am not good at accepting support from others. I always feel like I need to take care of everything myself. Well since moving to Los Angeles I have learned in some ways to accept support...and in others I still have a long way to go.

This morning I was blessed with a phone call from a dear friend. His name is Charlie. He was my first administrator when I got my first high school teaching job. I spent many times in his office working through the ups and downs of a first year teacher. When I left to be on the opening staff of a charter school...Charlie told me he wanted to continue mentoring me and help me with my new role as wife and my role as advisor. So we met weekly, and he taught me this great tool called Re-Evaluation Counseling or RC for short. And for the past six years I have enjoyed the support Charlie and RC offers...thank you.

So back to this morning...he called and we did a phone session. The tears came, I laughed, and got to the point I needed to get to. Then the best part the "out questions". The are designed to pull you out of the muck to remind you that in this moment nothing bad is happening.

So Trisha, What are the three oldest things in your refrigerator?
"Oh, goodness, the baking soda, three apples from when we first moved in, and the tablespoon off heavy whipping cream I don't want to throw away." His response, "perfect"

"How much snow will fall in Lake Tahoe this week." I said, "Seven Feet!" His response, "Exactly, and we so need it."

"Who will win the Tour de Sacramento this weekend." "Jeez, Charlie I have no idea, Jo Smoe."

His response, "Exactly!"

The best part of the those out questions is the fun we have connecting over the silliest of things...I found my breath slowed and my chest felt less constricted than it had all week and I was grateful for his support and even more grateful that I am getting better at reaching out and asking for help. Which reminds me I need to send a few emails...

I hope you find the support when you most need it and even more so hope I can offer you support along the way. Isn't that why we are all here anyway to learn to work together?

Love this little man...

2009-02-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I called my sister. Hello sister, is our customary way of greeting one another. In response I hear the joyful glee of my sweet nephew, "Its Tia, mommy its my Tia." I said sweet one you are my favorite except for Carlos...gotta cover my bases.

My sister takes me off speaker phone but I can still hear my nephew in the background..."I am Tia's favorite"

My sister tells me that earlier that day after getting dressed he said to her, "I am grown up now can I drive mom?" He will be three in April...wow. We both laughed and share what sisters share. The beauty and the pain of this world and all the while that little rambucious guy exclaiming in the background, "I am Tia's favorite."

What a blessing...

I am angry today...not very yogic I know....

2009-02-13T15:28:00.001-08:00

About two weeks ago, I watched my sweet partner as he articulated his goals for the year. It was a surprisingly easy and comfortable conversation. I wonder what had I done to get it right this time. Nonchalantly I asked, "when will you travel overseas for work?"

"Not for awhile, a lot of the projects are on hold because of the economy." I heard every alarm go off in my head but in that moment I reminded myself that we were fine. We needn't worry. I said a little prayer to protect our little family and continued to listen with glee the plans Carlos was making for his career and coping with living so far from his family and friends. He never ceases to amaze me with the wisdom way beyond his years.

This past Tuesday, I was finishing my Ujjayi Breathing Practice, when the phone sang the alluring tango that signifies Mi Amor, sweet C is calling. I pick up and hear something in his voice I can't quite place. "Babe, do you have any classes today? any clients?" I replied, still perplexed and unable to place what my was not being communicated with words, "No, not today sweet one." He then said, "okay babe I will meet you at home soon."

I slowly made my way down to the kitchen to start dinner and as I came out of the blissful cloud of the Ujjayi I really registered that something was not right. So I called him back and fought my desire to vomit. "My company laid off 25 people and I was one off them. I am going to Bill's I will be home later."

Oh, God. I have been on a roller coaster ride since. In four days I feel like I have lived a decade. I vacillate between feeling totally excited about all this can mean for both of us together and independently and completely pissed off.

Today, I am angry. I am terrified and unsure of what my life will look like in one month. I had to call our landlord yesterday and tell him the news. What a place to stand. Luckily, I have a cushion in the bank but that money was earmarked for my yoga business.

It is back to the drawing board. I keep telling myself anything is possible but today I am angry. I don't feel passionate or anything creative. I am just pissed. Pissed off at this crazy world that lives in fear and can't pull itself together.

Is this the sum of our days...we as a society are so driven to consumption and personal gain we can no longer see what is truly important? Do these companies really need to be laying people off? Are they projecting loss and trying to cover this loses by buckling down now? Why can't anyone see that we all just need to finacially absorb a little piece of this crisises and it will pass. I asked myself today, were those companies happy when they were making money hand over fist the past ten years and now frigthened by the slowing of thier profits that they have become accustomed to they act in fear. One decisions causes a ripple affect. I can't even say that this rant doesn't have some ill effect but I need to get it off my chest before I suffocate myself.

Tomorrow is a new day, I pray that I can come through to the other side, great my sweet clients and teach a class that will take each of them to the place the need to be and along the way find a little peace myself. Maybe even tonight when I sit down to meditate may I find peace and recapture my Self but today in this moment I am just pissed.

Anything is possible.

2009-02-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

I awoke today with an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. I was smiling and dancing in the shower. I couldn't believe how differently my mood was today versus say the last week. As a small business owner I am constantly chosing to stay in the postive mode inspite of all I hear in the media. Well, the over looming financial crisis entered my personal life in a new way yesterday evening at the dinner table. I asked my sweet partner Carlos when he would be travelling overseas for work and he said the projects are being pushed back due to the economy.

That was my first thought this morning and I decided to chose that anything is possible instead of worry what may happen down the road. Today is a marketing day. I am out in the cities of Silver Lake and Echo Park to leave flyers and hopefully make connections. As I was driving down the road on a extremely beautiful day. I noticed anew a familiar site. On the corners one can often see men selling whole coconuts with straws...coconut milk...yum, mango slices, water, or flowers.

I thought to myself. This is what I love about LA. Anything is possible. Who knew the sun would shine so brightly today. Those men on the corner smile each day as if the whole world is just perfect. This was a shift for me as before when I drive down the road and see these men on the corners I felt saddness...why? Good question. But this time it was different. Anything is possible, Saturday I can have 10 to 20 clients at my workshop and make a connection that will support both Mary Jo--my business partner and ayurvedic practioner or for Judy Fuller another Svaroopa® Yoga teacher or even a connection for myself...anything is possible and as long as I choose the positive the sun will shine brightly and I will smile everyday like the men on the corner knowing that everything is perfect.

If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers.

2009-01-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

Recently I was at a book talk with Sri Swamini Mayatitananda and she said many things that made me really think about my life as a yogi. One statement she said which I know well within myself and rarely—to never—hear it spoken about so openly really sent me into deep contemplation. Mother, as she is warmly referred to, said: “Woman’s health is central to the health of her family, community, and the world”. She went on to say that a women’s health is directly tied to her menstrual health. I felt refreshed and driven or fearful all at the same time. My menstruation cycle has wreaked havoc on my mind and body for mywhole life and recently it has at times taken total control over my being. I knew I had to act and I just did not know what to do. A few scenes flashed through my mind…

…a recent visit to my Western Doctor for my annual check-up revealed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This revelation sent me into a tailspin that has taken much of my focus for the last several months…

…when having my vedic chart read in the summer of 2007 there was a sweet revelation—if I have a child it will happen by my 39th year. I am just a few months shy of my 37th birthday…

I want health and wellness for myself, for my partner, for my community, and my world. So I will be the change I want to see by diligently working to return balance to my own body therefore allowing me to work in the world sharing the wisdom I have gained through this great journey of life and recently through my yoga training.

The saving Grace has been working with an Ayurvedic Practioner using the sister science of Yoga to work on the imbalance in my system with herbs, maintaining a daily routine, and a balanced diet. Working towards a daily Mediation Practice, Pranayama (Breathing) Practice, Asana Practice and lovingly preparing food for Carlos have really helped to bring me back into balance.

I recently found myself in a bit of conflict. Mainstream Ayurveda teaches that women should menstruate with the Full Moon and ovulate on the New Moon. Mother Maya presents a different perspective and notes it is a lost teaching she is trying to bring forward. Her teachings say that a woman should menstruate with the New Moon and ovulate on the Full Moon.

My cycle has been erratic for a good part of my life, and completely high jacked from 19-26 by western medicine’s wonderful idea of the birth control pill. Let us chemically convince the body that it is constantly pregnant for 7 years…I still pay the price for this endeavor.

Since applying the Ayurvedic principles to my life I started to find health in my menstruation but was not ovulating with the Full Moon like Mother teaches. I asked my Ayurvedic Practioner and she confirmed what she was taught—by men—that women ovulate with the New Moon. She even talked about it logically that with the New Moon it is a time for new beginnings and during the Full Moon we are full with our menses. A friend and a practioner of Mother’s teachings gave an equally logical argument for the opposite. We should be in celebration at the Full Moon celebrating life with our partner and going inward at the New Moon to have our menses and rejuvenate ourselves. All these women are women I have great respect for and I was feeling conflicted.

So, I got down on my meditation cushion and prayed to Amma—my Guru—what do I do Amma? Finally, I surrendered. I said, “Amma I am but a human and I can not fathom all the mysteries that you understand so I surrender to you. My cycle will line up with the moon in the way it is supposed to and I will leave it up to you.”

Two nights later my answer came in a very beautiful way—I had a very vivid dream. The dream was full of orange…in many hues and the color a swami wears. Mother is a swami and wears orange. As the dream began, I found myself hurriedly preparing for a visit for a talk with Mother. She had given me specifics on how to lay out the room including two specific alters to have out. One alter was to be on the left side of the room next to the speaking podium and the other alter was to be on the right side of the room. The alter on the left was a Natrajani (Dancing Shiva and the male primordial form) and the alter on the right was Shakti (The primordial feminine form).

In a rush of orange Mother entered the room, embraced me and said you have done well. We just need to shift a few things around in here. Swiftly she switched the placement of the alters moving the Natrajani to the right and Shakti to the left and the dream ended. Yes there is much to be seen in this metaphor as in Hindu philosophy the left is the feminine side of the body and the right is the masculine. When there is harmony these two elements are in balance with one another.

If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers. There was my answer. Slowly since having this dream my cycle has moved from starting on the Full Moon to almost being in line with the New Moon. I celebrate the beauty of surrendering to the Divine and know that my health is better and each day I grow stronger physically and mentally.

Now I must get out in the world and do the work of a warrior in a modern society. I vow to bring the healing magic of Yoga and Ayurveda to women and therefore all in the process keeping my vow to help end the woes of this world.

The Guru's Arrow

2009-01-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

Rama said, “I am the arrow shot from my Guru’s bow and I make no apologies” as she uses her hand in her signature way to mimic an arrow flying through the air. I chuckle a little and she locks eyes with me in her knowing way as she and I both know I have been the target of that said arrow.

My mind wanders as I begin to process the very incident that provoked my significant chuckle. I was at Yoga Business Skills and for some time had struggled with the fine balance of taking control of my life and surrendering to God. I somehow believed if I just surrendered to God everything would just work out—hmm. I had expectations that Yoga Business Skills would help me understand how to do this as we were studying The Bhagavad-Gita.

Ah, expectations. I felt really conflicted internally that I could not only choose my ideal client but Rama was encouraging me to do so. As I was thinking of my ideal client I was also battling the idea that I wanted an ideal partner to share my yogic path and had failed twice since my divorce three years prior. Recently, I decided to stop looking and focus on being kind to myself but still felt plagued by this hole in my life.

As we settle in for an afternoon discussion regarding the Bhagavad-Gita, I tried to voice my frustration and lack of clarity around the line between effort and surrender. I asked Rama and used my personal life as an example,
“How Rama do I know when I need to take action and when I surrender? I have tried to find a mate and I have recently decided to put it in the hands of the divine.”
She smiled lowered her voice and said, “You aren’t going to like this,”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“You need to cut your hair, get a make over and start wearing form fitting clothes.”

She was right initially I was furious. My chest started to tighten and my breaths were far from full yogic breaths. The tears welled up and there I sat in the front row. I quietly moved to the bathroom, shut the door, and settle in for a nice long wallowing in my own sorrows. I recently discovered a long repressed memory of being molested as a child by a man who worked for my parents and I thought to myself how dare she say to me I need to wear more form fitting clothes I am a victim of sexual abuse, I am a high school teacher, I am yoga teacher I don’t need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to my body.

Then in the quiet of the dark bathroom I realized I was not a victim, I was not a high school teacher, I was not a yoga teacher and Rama obviously saw more in me than I could see. So, I did a few recapture breaths and composed myself so I could go back to Rama’s lecture. I sat in the back of the room and cried for forty five minutes. There was no stopping the tears but I sat through the lecture and listened carefully.

As a high school teacher I often say things or notice things in my students that I see may be holding them back. I try to gently reveal these blocks to my students but sometimes it blows up. Knowing this I decided to look for the message under the words. The words still stung but I was obviously missing something. I prayed for assistance and sat with the whole thing during meditation.

Over the coming months I continued to contemplate what I was missing. I did begin to wear more form fitting clothes and watched as my opinion of my body changed. I made sure my hair was done daily instead of always pulling it back and I wore a little make-up. I noticed that the way people were treating me was different. Then the boon. My guru gave a talk and discussed how there are three components to things happening in one’s life: effort, God’s Grace, and timing. I realized that I need to put forth effort in my life in the form of loving myself. I could surrender all want but without action there is no change and why am I here? To live a life of action and service to God. And love why love is all there is correct?

I needed to put forth effort not just to realize my dream of having a yoga studio but also of finding a life partner. I also needed to deeply understand that love is within me as an ever present flow. Even now I find tears on my face because it all seems so simple. As I put forth effort and faith in the Divine everything started to fall into place so quickly.

What I now understand is Rama sees to the Divine within each one of us. She has a gift, no doubt, and in her task in this lifetime she can say things that appear to cut to the quick but it is for the greater good. I wrote in a letter to Rama, “I honor all your qualities including your Kali-like ability to slice through my ignorance.” That is exactly what she did that day she cut through my small sense of self so I could discover the beauty within. For that I bow to her feet and the feet of Muktananda. My life is ever changed as I now realize that the possibilities are limitless—if I am open to them.

Living la vida loca in LA

2008-08-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

With C in Ecuador for Daniela’s (his sister) wedding, I have time to sit and reflect about my move to LA. I have to say life is rather simple here in this supposedly “crazy” city. I still do my same old things. Shop for organic food, hang out in coffee houses, and do yoga. I even have a few clients already. It is sweet and simple and I like it. I am grateful to have this time and to not be teaching high school. I know this sounds strange but I am worn out by the public education system and would prefer to spend my energies elsewhere. Interestingly, Master Yoga has recently launched a new training track: TTT-Teacher Training Track. I will start this training at some point next year amidst taking Meditation Teacher Training and Vichara Training—yoga’s tool for working with the mind.

It seems my choice is made and I am ready to move on. It was a huge choice made easy by the hours of solitude I have had since coming here. I have definitely changed my perspective on life and have found somethings about myself that are very different. I think it is good to check in with oneself often. It is amazing to see what is new and different; or what is still the same just clearer without the accumulated gunk of living an incongruent life.

Do I miss anything or anyone? Yes and no. I miss sweet Devin which should be a surprise to no one. It is sometimes hard to know Gram will pass soon. Overall, I don’t miss much as I know that those of you who are friends will remain so regardless where I live. I have been here a week and already two very dear friends came to visit.

Life with C is sweet and a gift from God. He treats me like a queen even saying, “how is my queen?” We spend the evenings watching the sunset from our living room and eating a home cooked meal. He plays his video games and soon once we are completely settled I will get to use my side of the office to create and sew. I am sooo excited. Funny, we used the smallest room in the house for our bedroom and the big room in the back is our office.

Safe, even this word has changed for me. I live minutes from downtown LA in a neighborhood where two cultures meet…very fitting as C and I come from different cultures. We live in what has been called Korea Town and more recently deemed the Latino Byzantine Quarter. We live on a street full of Mexican and Latin families. Even now as the sun sets children are outside playing hide and seek. Safe is a state of mind not so much a place. I half way wonder if this is just preparation for travelling to Ecuador and India. Yes, I do see bums just like in Sacramento. I even saw a very drunk and incoherent man trying to pee on the side of the road the other day. It was quite a strange experience.

The Smog you wonder, well it doesn’t seem that bad actually I feel better about the air I breathe here than in Sacramento. At night the winds comes up and blows away the nasty air. Yep, the fog is here in the morning but I enjoy fog.

So what about my yoga studio. Well, funny one should ask. Just this morning I spent time in the downtown area of Santa Monica where the locals hang out. It is very cute and quaint and I hope to find a space there for my studio. Just last night while we were out for dinner C asked me what the studio needed. Today I realized what the studio needs is for me to put one foot in front of the other. Interestingly enough while hanging out in Santa Monica, Howie—one of my new clients—sauntered in to the coffee house I was hanging out in. I walked with him around the block and we talked about opening the studio. He works with people in the business world getting around their blocks. He pointed out to me what I already know. Go with the flow of Grace, put forth effort, and do your homework.

I asked him, “Howie, how do I feel comfortable going in debt to do this?”
“How did you pack up your whole life and move to LA?” he asked me as he put one foot in front of the other while pointing down to his feet then looked me straight in the eyes and got really close and said, “but you already know all this, you already know all this.”

Wow, and hot damn. I was still smiling a block away. So yes I am where I am suppose to be doing what I am suppose to be doing and damn it feels good.

The Cycle of Life

2008-08-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like watching your beloved Grandmother cry like a child. Then you know you are now the adult and it is seriously time to grow up but don't get too serious. I sat in the hospital with my Gram this week while she was sedated and watched her attempt to curl up into the fetal position while she processed some long forgotten memory. As she wrestled with her consiousness I began to chant the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra in my head. After a few rounds she settled in and started to sleep more peacefully. It was an impulse I didn't even think about doing and was halfway thorough the mantra the first time before I realized what I was doing.

The next day I went back to see and she was coherent but still not the Gram I know and love. In her place I found a feeble woman. Feeble is not a word I would ever use to describe my very tall and regal grandmother. Even her feet appeared small as I slipped on booties to keep her warm. Three times in one half hour we had to tell her she was getting an MRI and that she was in Santa Rosa at Kaiser. As they prepared her to leave for the MRI her demeanor changed to that of a scared baby and I really wondered what would come next. I told her my dad would meet her when she came out in attempt to console her. No Luck, it made it worse. She wimpered and said, "I don't want anyone to bother". Oh my, even now I am overcome with emotions. I now see my grandmother very differently and recognize in a new way what is yet to come.

This change is somewhat expected but at the same time still slightly unnerving. I have said many time I am ready....but am I?

Shaking it up with love

2008-07-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, the journey continues and I decided to take a leave of absence from my teaching job. I will begin a new adventure in my life by relocating to LA. It will be sweet and I am so excited. I will be joined on ths journey by a very sweet man from Ecuador. Carlos currently lives in LA. It is all so exciting.

Lost in the fear by C and Trisha

2008-07-11T18:09:00.001-07:00

Perdido en el miedo

Olvide que soy Dios

Olvide que soy Amor

Te he buscado; Tu has recedido

Recupere mi sentido de Quien Soy

Yo soy amor, tu eres amor

por tu paciencia, te agradezco profundamente

Lost in the fear

It forgets I am God

It forgets I am love

I looked to you and you receeded

It recovers my sense of that I am

I am love; you are love
By your patience, I am thankful to you deeply

to go or to stay is just the question...

2008-04-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

So today, in a total Svaroopian way, I am minding my own business and bam. I find a 350 square foot space. The rent is reasonable ($650 a month) and I am just so confused...Do I stay or do I go man and if I stay will there be trouble; If I go will there be double...I am sooo confused.

Add to the rather blissful equation a friend kindly pointed out that I am being sucked dry by the high school students where I teach...I am not so sure. I love the kids I teach its the kids I don't know who make things challeging.

2008-03-31T20:25:00.001-07:00

You Must Be the Change You Wish to See in the World

The Aftermath...ATT Yoga Business Skills

2008-03-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, it has been one week back in the "real world" after an intensive ATT course in yoga business skills...wow. My action list is getting the check mark action daily. Woo Hoo. Would you know it that as simply as it all began Mr. Fear pokes his head around the corner every once in a while just to make sure I really mean karishye 'vachanam tava asmi dasah... Rock On.

How was re-entry for you?