If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers.

Recently I was at a book talk with Sri Swamini Mayatitananda and she said many things that made me really think about my life as a yogi. One statement she said which I know well within myself and rarely—to never—hear it spoken about so openly really sent me into deep contemplation. Mother, as she is warmly referred to, said: “Woman’s health is central to the health of her family, community, and the world”. She went on to say that a women’s health is directly tied to her menstrual health. I felt refreshed and driven or fearful all at the same time. My menstruation cycle has wreaked havoc on my mind and body for mywhole life and recently it has at times taken total control over my being. I knew I had to act and I just did not know what to do. A few scenes flashed through my mind…

…a recent visit to my Western Doctor for my annual check-up revealed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This revelation sent me into a tailspin that has taken much of my focus for the last several months…

…when having my vedic chart read in the summer of 2007 there was a sweet revelation—if I have a child it will happen by my 39th year. I am just a few months shy of my 37th birthday…

I want health and wellness for myself, for my partner, for my community, and my world. So I will be the change I want to see by diligently working to return balance to my own body therefore allowing me to work in the world sharing the wisdom I have gained through this great journey of life and recently through my yoga training.

The saving Grace has been working with an Ayurvedic Practioner using the sister science of Yoga to work on the imbalance in my system with herbs, maintaining a daily routine, and a balanced diet. Working towards a daily Mediation Practice, Pranayama (Breathing) Practice, Asana Practice and lovingly preparing food for Carlos have really helped to bring me back into balance.

I recently found myself in a bit of conflict. Mainstream Ayurveda teaches that women should menstruate with the Full Moon and ovulate on the New Moon. Mother Maya presents a different perspective and notes it is a lost teaching she is trying to bring forward. Her teachings say that a woman should menstruate with the New Moon and ovulate on the Full Moon.

My cycle has been erratic for a good part of my life, and completely high jacked from 19-26 by western medicine’s wonderful idea of the birth control pill. Let us chemically convince the body that it is constantly pregnant for 7 years…I still pay the price for this endeavor.

Since applying the Ayurvedic principles to my life I started to find health in my menstruation but was not ovulating with the Full Moon like Mother teaches. I asked my Ayurvedic Practioner and she confirmed what she was taught—by men—that women ovulate with the New Moon. She even talked about it logically that with the New Moon it is a time for new beginnings and during the Full Moon we are full with our menses. A friend and a practioner of Mother’s teachings gave an equally logical argument for the opposite. We should be in celebration at the Full Moon celebrating life with our partner and going inward at the New Moon to have our menses and rejuvenate ourselves. All these women are women I have great respect for and I was feeling conflicted.

So, I got down on my meditation cushion and prayed to Amma—my Guru—what do I do Amma? Finally, I surrendered. I said, “Amma I am but a human and I can not fathom all the mysteries that you understand so I surrender to you. My cycle will line up with the moon in the way it is supposed to and I will leave it up to you.”

Two nights later my answer came in a very beautiful way—I had a very vivid dream. The dream was full of orange…in many hues and the color a swami wears. Mother is a swami and wears orange. As the dream began, I found myself hurriedly preparing for a visit for a talk with Mother. She had given me specifics on how to lay out the room including two specific alters to have out. One alter was to be on the left side of the room next to the speaking podium and the other alter was to be on the right side of the room. The alter on the left was a Natrajani (Dancing Shiva and the male primordial form) and the alter on the right was Shakti (The primordial feminine form).

In a rush of orange Mother entered the room, embraced me and said you have done well. We just need to shift a few things around in here. Swiftly she switched the placement of the alters moving the Natrajani to the right and Shakti to the left and the dream ended. Yes there is much to be seen in this metaphor as in Hindu philosophy the left is the feminine side of the body and the right is the masculine. When there is harmony these two elements are in balance with one another.

If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers. There was my answer. Slowly since having this dream my cycle has moved from starting on the Full Moon to almost being in line with the New Moon. I celebrate the beauty of surrendering to the Divine and know that my health is better and each day I grow stronger physically and mentally.

Now I must get out in the world and do the work of a warrior in a modern society. I vow to bring the healing magic of Yoga and Ayurveda to women and therefore all in the process keeping my vow to help end the woes of this world.

The Guru's Arrow

Rama said, “I am the arrow shot from my Guru’s bow and I make no apologies” as she uses her hand in her signature way to mimic an arrow flying through the air. I chuckle a little and she locks eyes with me in her knowing way as she and I both know I have been the target of that said arrow.

My mind wanders as I begin to process the very incident that provoked my significant chuckle. I was at Yoga Business Skills and for some time had struggled with the fine balance of taking control of my life and surrendering to God. I somehow believed if I just surrendered to God everything would just work out—hmm. I had expectations that Yoga Business Skills would help me understand how to do this as we were studying The Bhagavad-Gita.

Ah, expectations. I felt really conflicted internally that I could not only choose my ideal client but Rama was encouraging me to do so. As I was thinking of my ideal client I was also battling the idea that I wanted an ideal partner to share my yogic path and had failed twice since my divorce three years prior. Recently, I decided to stop looking and focus on being kind to myself but still felt plagued by this hole in my life.

As we settle in for an afternoon discussion regarding the Bhagavad-Gita, I tried to voice my frustration and lack of clarity around the line between effort and surrender. I asked Rama and used my personal life as an example,
“How Rama do I know when I need to take action and when I surrender? I have tried to find a mate and I have recently decided to put it in the hands of the divine.”
She smiled lowered her voice and said, “You aren’t going to like this,”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“You need to cut your hair, get a make over and start wearing form fitting clothes.”

She was right initially I was furious. My chest started to tighten and my breaths were far from full yogic breaths. The tears welled up and there I sat in the front row. I quietly moved to the bathroom, shut the door, and settle in for a nice long wallowing in my own sorrows. I recently discovered a long repressed memory of being molested as a child by a man who worked for my parents and I thought to myself how dare she say to me I need to wear more form fitting clothes I am a victim of sexual abuse, I am a high school teacher, I am yoga teacher I don’t need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to my body.

Then in the quiet of the dark bathroom I realized I was not a victim, I was not a high school teacher, I was not a yoga teacher and Rama obviously saw more in me than I could see. So, I did a few recapture breaths and composed myself so I could go back to Rama’s lecture. I sat in the back of the room and cried for forty five minutes. There was no stopping the tears but I sat through the lecture and listened carefully.

As a high school teacher I often say things or notice things in my students that I see may be holding them back. I try to gently reveal these blocks to my students but sometimes it blows up. Knowing this I decided to look for the message under the words. The words still stung but I was obviously missing something. I prayed for assistance and sat with the whole thing during meditation.

Over the coming months I continued to contemplate what I was missing. I did begin to wear more form fitting clothes and watched as my opinion of my body changed. I made sure my hair was done daily instead of always pulling it back and I wore a little make-up. I noticed that the way people were treating me was different. Then the boon. My guru gave a talk and discussed how there are three components to things happening in one’s life: effort, God’s Grace, and timing. I realized that I need to put forth effort in my life in the form of loving myself. I could surrender all want but without action there is no change and why am I here? To live a life of action and service to God. And love why love is all there is correct?

I needed to put forth effort not just to realize my dream of having a yoga studio but also of finding a life partner. I also needed to deeply understand that love is within me as an ever present flow. Even now I find tears on my face because it all seems so simple. As I put forth effort and faith in the Divine everything started to fall into place so quickly.

What I now understand is Rama sees to the Divine within each one of us. She has a gift, no doubt, and in her task in this lifetime she can say things that appear to cut to the quick but it is for the greater good. I wrote in a letter to Rama, “I honor all your qualities including your Kali-like ability to slice through my ignorance.” That is exactly what she did that day she cut through my small sense of self so I could discover the beauty within. For that I bow to her feet and the feet of Muktananda. My life is ever changed as I now realize that the possibilities are limitless—if I am open to them.