The Guru's Arrow

Rama said, “I am the arrow shot from my Guru’s bow and I make no apologies” as she uses her hand in her signature way to mimic an arrow flying through the air. I chuckle a little and she locks eyes with me in her knowing way as she and I both know I have been the target of that said arrow.

My mind wanders as I begin to process the very incident that provoked my significant chuckle. I was at Yoga Business Skills and for some time had struggled with the fine balance of taking control of my life and surrendering to God. I somehow believed if I just surrendered to God everything would just work out—hmm. I had expectations that Yoga Business Skills would help me understand how to do this as we were studying The Bhagavad-Gita.

Ah, expectations. I felt really conflicted internally that I could not only choose my ideal client but Rama was encouraging me to do so. As I was thinking of my ideal client I was also battling the idea that I wanted an ideal partner to share my yogic path and had failed twice since my divorce three years prior. Recently, I decided to stop looking and focus on being kind to myself but still felt plagued by this hole in my life.

As we settle in for an afternoon discussion regarding the Bhagavad-Gita, I tried to voice my frustration and lack of clarity around the line between effort and surrender. I asked Rama and used my personal life as an example,
“How Rama do I know when I need to take action and when I surrender? I have tried to find a mate and I have recently decided to put it in the hands of the divine.”
She smiled lowered her voice and said, “You aren’t going to like this,”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“You need to cut your hair, get a make over and start wearing form fitting clothes.”

She was right initially I was furious. My chest started to tighten and my breaths were far from full yogic breaths. The tears welled up and there I sat in the front row. I quietly moved to the bathroom, shut the door, and settle in for a nice long wallowing in my own sorrows. I recently discovered a long repressed memory of being molested as a child by a man who worked for my parents and I thought to myself how dare she say to me I need to wear more form fitting clothes I am a victim of sexual abuse, I am a high school teacher, I am yoga teacher I don’t need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to my body.

Then in the quiet of the dark bathroom I realized I was not a victim, I was not a high school teacher, I was not a yoga teacher and Rama obviously saw more in me than I could see. So, I did a few recapture breaths and composed myself so I could go back to Rama’s lecture. I sat in the back of the room and cried for forty five minutes. There was no stopping the tears but I sat through the lecture and listened carefully.

As a high school teacher I often say things or notice things in my students that I see may be holding them back. I try to gently reveal these blocks to my students but sometimes it blows up. Knowing this I decided to look for the message under the words. The words still stung but I was obviously missing something. I prayed for assistance and sat with the whole thing during meditation.

Over the coming months I continued to contemplate what I was missing. I did begin to wear more form fitting clothes and watched as my opinion of my body changed. I made sure my hair was done daily instead of always pulling it back and I wore a little make-up. I noticed that the way people were treating me was different. Then the boon. My guru gave a talk and discussed how there are three components to things happening in one’s life: effort, God’s Grace, and timing. I realized that I need to put forth effort in my life in the form of loving myself. I could surrender all want but without action there is no change and why am I here? To live a life of action and service to God. And love why love is all there is correct?

I needed to put forth effort not just to realize my dream of having a yoga studio but also of finding a life partner. I also needed to deeply understand that love is within me as an ever present flow. Even now I find tears on my face because it all seems so simple. As I put forth effort and faith in the Divine everything started to fall into place so quickly.

What I now understand is Rama sees to the Divine within each one of us. She has a gift, no doubt, and in her task in this lifetime she can say things that appear to cut to the quick but it is for the greater good. I wrote in a letter to Rama, “I honor all your qualities including your Kali-like ability to slice through my ignorance.” That is exactly what she did that day she cut through my small sense of self so I could discover the beauty within. For that I bow to her feet and the feet of Muktananda. My life is ever changed as I now realize that the possibilities are limitless—if I am open to them.