About two weeks ago, I watched my sweet partner as he articulated his goals for the year. It was a surprisingly easy and comfortable conversation. I wonder what had I done to get it right this time. Nonchalantly I asked, "when will you travel overseas for work?"
"Not for awhile, a lot of the projects are on hold because of the economy." I heard every alarm go off in my head but in that moment I reminded myself that we were fine. We needn't worry. I said a little prayer to protect our little family and continued to listen with glee the plans Carlos was making for his career and coping with living so far from his family and friends. He never ceases to amaze me with the wisdom way beyond his years.
This past Tuesday, I was finishing my Ujjayi Breathing Practice, when the phone sang the alluring tango that signifies Mi Amor, sweet C is calling. I pick up and hear something in his voice I can't quite place. "Babe, do you have any classes today? any clients?" I replied, still perplexed and unable to place what my was not being communicated with words, "No, not today sweet one." He then said, "okay babe I will meet you at home soon."
I slowly made my way down to the kitchen to start dinner and as I came out of the blissful cloud of the Ujjayi I really registered that something was not right. So I called him back and fought my desire to vomit. "My company laid off 25 people and I was one off them. I am going to Bill's I will be home later."
Oh, God. I have been on a roller coaster ride since. In four days I feel like I have lived a decade. I vacillate between feeling totally excited about all this can mean for both of us together and independently and completely pissed off.
Today, I am angry. I am terrified and unsure of what my life will look like in one month. I had to call our landlord yesterday and tell him the news. What a place to stand. Luckily, I have a cushion in the bank but that money was earmarked for my yoga business.
It is back to the drawing board. I keep telling myself anything is possible but today I am angry. I don't feel passionate or anything creative. I am just pissed. Pissed off at this crazy world that lives in fear and can't pull itself together.
Is this the sum of our days...we as a society are so driven to consumption and personal gain we can no longer see what is truly important? Do these companies really need to be laying people off? Are they projecting loss and trying to cover this loses by buckling down now? Why can't anyone see that we all just need to finacially absorb a little piece of this crisises and it will pass. I asked myself today, were those companies happy when they were making money hand over fist the past ten years and now frigthened by the slowing of thier profits that they have become accustomed to they act in fear. One decisions causes a ripple affect. I can't even say that this rant doesn't have some ill effect but I need to get it off my chest before I suffocate myself.
Tomorrow is a new day, I pray that I can come through to the other side, great my sweet clients and teach a class that will take each of them to the place the need to be and along the way find a little peace myself. Maybe even tonight when I sit down to meditate may I find peace and recapture my Self but today in this moment I am just pissed.
No comments:
Post a Comment