a gift that continues to give...Parvati

This week was one of much turmoil. I feel more calm on the inside so when the outside world gets turbulent I get nervous and revert back to some of my less than favorite coping mechanisms. Then I have to laugh at myself.

I really don't get how to deal with the dysfunction I see in public schools. I just want to teach...but then again is that my dharma? I made a simple comment at a meeting that ignited a chain of evens that had me seriously contemplating walking away from teaching. (Yes, the Pitta was up and I was not able to stay as we say in my toes).

I took the whole situation way to personally. I felt so attacked and mis-understood and like the odd man out. Too many old patterns that have never served. I went to sleep on Friday night and through out the night mantra-like I saw a succession of images in my dream that clearly told me: you are the igniter Parvati don't take this personally. You must stand firm, even in the fire, even when you feel scared. Don't run...but sit in it. It will pass. When I awoke I remember back to the day I was given the name Parvati...Nirmalanda did say you know she is the igniter...I get it better now then I did then.

Then I felt a intense push to just be me and stop apologizing for the beautiful person I am or trying to stay small so not to offend.

Just sit...

Just sit

We called to Shiva and I remembered how you smiled when we danced in our living room

We called to Krishna and I lost myself in the words; I found reprieve

We called to Radha and many sweet moments came to mind
each time I bade them good bye
and the tears ran down my face

I called to Amma and prayed for her to take it all away
she called back and said just sit

sit in the love
sit in the fear
sit in the anger
sit in the pain
sit in the joy
just sit

I turned to my inner sanctuary and found you there in the center of the lotus of my heart

You pulled me down and there we sat as the memories came to visit
a touch in passing in passing a basket full of flowers full of flowers blessed with love

I ran to go and you said just sit here and pulled me in
then you wrapped your arms around me and then you became me and I became you and we sat some more.

I looked down and we were so intertwined I couldn't find your end and my beginning

...just sit.

how...

why you resist me sweetest one
for I am here

close your eyes--end your seeking
I have been here all the while

merge into me love--long have I waited..

how...

like two drops of water

The Sweetness in all things...

My journey to and back from LA offered so many opportunities to look at my Self, my life circumstance, and allowed me to rest in a place that I never fathomed existed.

I moved to LA full of hope and love...love for life...my teacher Amma...Carlitos...and being alive. I was hopeful of sharing Svaroopa Yoga with LA and deciding if I would ever re-enter the high school classroom. I did not know what my future held...I like to say I had no expectations but I did and I never thought it would end or begin again the way it did.

The last week in LA, I was out grocery shopping--a normal part of my routine--however it was the last time I would shop for my sweet little household. It started to dawn on me that Carlos and I were going separate ways and my inner state surprised me to say the least.

I was full of love; I remember looking at the clouds illuminated by the sunlight and I asked myself where is all this love coming from...who are you in love with? The resounding answer...I am in love with this life...with myself...with Shiva. (enter preferred deities name here)

As I packed and continue to prepare meals and do laundry that last week I was adsorbed in love. Mind you while facing the possibility of the dreaded word--cancer. At the time, I thought thank you Amma for taking care of me in this time of great need.

But, it never stopped...granted I still have moments of saddness, or frustration, or anger but my predominate state is pure bliss...a love so delightful that it sustains me through every task I undertake.

My perspective on things and my attachments to people and things have certainly changed. I still get upset but I always arrive at the same end spot...that person, that situation is so worthy of love and compassion. I cling less and count on others outside of myself less. I also have deeper connections to those who are close to me. There is an ease to my days and in my relationships.

There have been some unforeseen explosions in my life and although saddened by them I trust that I am no longer the driver of my course. I have learned that in each thing there is a time frame and when the time comes the time comes. Each time I have felt anxiety over a door closing I look to find new paths untravelled that didn't seem to be there before. This whole process has taught me to listen and to be present and know that always always I will always have Shiva...always have the Self...always have all the love I could ever want right here within the tiny frame--my vehicle for this lifetime.

So, here I am back in Sacramento, back in the High School Classroom, back to health and wellness, very different but more the same and ever absorbed in love...that my friend is the sweetest nectar. Yet, I am still human and that is even sweeter yet.

In Peace and utterly in love, Parvati