Fall Freshness...

This is the time of year I love the most. I love how gentle the sun's rays caress my being and bath everything in a glow of amber. The rain creates a sense of freshness and washes away the intensity of summer.

As the leaves change, I feel compelled to withdraw inside and renew myself as the trees do when the drop their leaves. It is a definite time of introspection. I linger in bed longer these days as the sun isn't up when I get up and I long to just nestle in the warmness of my blankets. (smile)

The crisp air and the sound of rakes makes me want to dance a dance of celebration for the ending of one cycle and honoring death in all its beauty. As I know from death comes birth and awaking...

Dance, Dance, Dance,
Shiva bring me solace
in the beginning and the end
help me to see
what is so close yet so unforeseen
Dance, Dance, Dance,
Sweetest Shiva
bring me past my self to see my Self
Allow me just one caress upon the cheek
so I can dance alone until we meet.

I am happy you were happy...

one sentence

I am happy you were happy

and it cut to the quick
his words have always
had some magical
power over me..

She must focus on her love
and leave everything to her king
you are truth
you are also light and love
this is nothing but pure grace
you make me want to seal you
with waves of wet passionate kisses
my goddess my expression of love
I am in you as you are in me. I feel also like
starting a supernova just out of this love bursting out
tu belleza no tiene limites
mmm bella...I want to eat you with kisses
You are love my love
You have to be love incarnated
Tambien te queiero mi chiquita bella
You don't have to respond to this but I love you
we can dry or wet our conversation doesn't matter
what unites us is that longing for God
whom I find in you my love
Radha mia
yesterday I had the biggest relief
when Amma showed me you on her hands
Telling me nothing can ever happen to you
mi vida
Vida we are one
Bella te adoro
One day closer to my dancing goddess
Buon giorno principessa mia
oh my Radha we have always been together
you are the light of my life
I am your hug as you belong to my smile
you make my life
you are pure love my Radha. Te quiero



I am happy you were happy
as if he wasn't there the whole time
to sit and eat the meals I made of mantra and love
as if he wasn't there the whole time
listening to me breath in the night
as he held me tight
his words cut to the quick

A new name....

What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, 1594

Having spent the last 20 days travelling and doing Sadhana (spiritual practices) I am quite grateful to be home. Also grateful for all the lessons I learned in those 20 days as well as the new name that I will be known by: Parvati.

It is funny, some have asked why do you want to change your name...why is it important to you? Are you nuts? Whats the big deal? Can I still call you Trisha/Trish? Well, In fumbling through these answers I have found space to think about what is important to me about my new name and why I chose to take on a new name. Yes I will still answer to Trisha but would prefer not ever to be called Trish....it is a long story--boring too.

After I finished Level 1 of yoga teacher training I knew there was no turning back and I also knew that I began to feel very different. Some people noticed and others didn't. I remember once my Grandmother looked at me and said who are you and what happened to Trisha. Your face is softer, you speak differently, what is going on...

Well, as I continued my journey and yoga training I began to know I desperately wanted a new name. At first I was going to name myself Shanti (Peace). Then that was shattered when I met a woman named Shanti who was far from peaceful.

I watched the movie The Namesake and was awe struck by the simplicity and depth of the character Ashima. I loved that the name meant limitless and identified this idea with the limitless possibilities I was finding in myself as a result of my dedication to my spiritual practice. Then somehow I realized I could not pick a name for myself that my spiritual teacher would have to pick the name for me.

After graduating from Yoga Teacher Training and taking the journey to Los Angeles I really felt it was time to again seek out a name for myself, but something held me back. Recently my teacher from Master Yoga became a Swami. Rama became Swami Nirmalanada Saraswati and began giving names to people in the Master Yoga organization and Svaroopa Yoga teachers.

Everything clicked for me in the moment that I learned that Swami-ji could give names. We were walking together at a conference in Los Angeles and she was offering me support in regards to my life situation. I told her I was excited to hear she was able to give names and she said she had been able to for awhile it was just now that she was making it public. At that moment it was like the last wall between me and a new name faded and I was overjoyed!

In April, while assisting Swami-ji at Foundations at Mt. Madonna, I asked her if she would give me a name. She said she needed some time and I said that I would see her in June at Vichara Training. A week before Vichara Training I wrote her an email to remind her of my desire to have a new name and she said, "oh, yes I have been ready for you for a while." I danced all around the house in joy and wondered what could it be....

There had been some interesting moments in the weeks since I had asked her for a name. All the sudden I was drawn to stories about Parvati and when chanting the name I was filled with the deepest sense of love. So, when I was sitting with Swami-ji and she said Parvati I was delighted...I think I said...I knew it! She reminded me that Parvati is the igniter.

While at Amma's public programs in LA, an Indian friend said...that is almost like being called Shakti...wow...who knew! I have since learned that Parvati is the daughter of the mountains...which is very fitting and that she is the representation of love. Wow, each day my new name is like a present waiting to be opened layer upon layer just like the yoga opens our bodies.

I agree with Juliet. As I find myself still the same sweet person but some how new and shinny all at the same time. Swami-ji put it well when she talked about getting a new name. She said it gave her something to see herself as and something to strive too as well.

Having a name like Parvati reminds me I am a goddess...even when I forget. I just smile and whisper my name to myself and instantly I feel different. I said to someone today. My new name is an outward respresentation of my inward journey something that is not easily explained in words. But this new name Parvati captures it all in one word. So instead of reading volumes of my journal you can understand the transformation by embracing this new name...

Pre-Birthday Musing

It is the day before my 37 birthday...how do I feel? Strangely I feel much the same as I did when I was younger with a few changes. My feelings still get hurt easily and sometimes I am too quick when responding....I do think things through more slowly and with less panic, fear, and emotions...yet I am still the same.

I remember telling someone recently about the progression of my yoga training and how each time I returned I had a new experience of mySelf. (In yoga the Self is the part of you who recognizes it is one with the divine where as the the small self is the ego and desire driven part of you that does not recognize its divinity and can be somewhat delusional).

Level 1: I returned thinking I had no idea who I was and wondered how I was suppose to start a new job at a BIG high school the next day...this feeling lingered for some time. In some ways I felt like there was ALOT about me that needed to change and I better get working on it.

Level 2: I returned assured I knew more about teaching yoga and so much less about my Self. I had a strange year of trying to figure out who I really was and still felt this impulse to 'be perfect'.

Level 3: I returned with a strong sense of feeling very grounded in my body. I felt solid in my ability to communicate and teach yoga. I felt well equip to say NO! I started to see that I was just fine the way I was.

Level 4: I returned home incredibly in love with my s/Selves both the small sense of myself that is limited and desire driven as well as my big Self who is constantly connected to the divine essence of this universe....It was an amazing time. I was utterly in love. I realized I didn't need to change anything about myself and that I would best serve myself by accepting the imperfections of my body and mind and get down to doing the work (dharma) of this lifetime.

So, I do feel different, yes wiser and more slow in how I respond to others and I feel more aware of the whole but I am still Trisha...and I do utterly love my S/selves...when I really think about it.

Happy Birthday to me.

If I finish the feedback forms what will I do tomorrow...

So lets just say things have been a little challenging these past few weeks and spare everyone the details...including myself. In the middle of the chaos, I have found many sweet little morsels of yogic truths...and one lead me to this.

My grandfather...sweetest man in the world besides my dad...had all these great sayings like most elders I am sure. He use to say, "Charlie, (that is what he called me) don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today." I always thought he was teaching me about laziness or not to procrastinate which are good lessons to learn but today I thought it goes deeper than that...it seems all those old sayings do.

Well, I do Seva (selfless service) for Master Yoga. Master Yoga is the Foundation which trained me to be a Certified Svaroopa Yoga Teacher and where I continue to study Yoga Therapy. Anyways, I noticed the pile of feedback forms that needed typing where piling up. So I made myself promise that I would get them all done in one weeks time. It takes about one hour to one and half hours to do one course. Well I had 14 of them! So I blasted through them and on the second to last day before my self set deadline I realized I was going to be done. I was so excited and smiling away and then all of a sudden within me this little voice came up and said, "what will I do tomorrow if all the feedback forms are done? " and all the sudden my joy was stripped and replaced by a sense of terror.

I slowly watched the ebb and flow of my mind and began taking very deep yogic breaths. All of the sudden my joy returned and I realized that if I finished the forms I could do other things on the computer like write on my blog or put together photos with a poem for my friend Carin's March Photo Challenge. I also thought I could go to the beach, or do yoga and meditate, even more sinful...just sit and do nothing.

As the days went by I realized a lot about myself and procrastination. All those piles on the desk where swept away very quickly today. The yoga studio got deep cleaned and C and I went to the ocean today. Wow! Plus I will be able to finish the scarf for Antonio Mario's visit next week!

Okay, so the dishes still pile up...but I am working on it okay. Going back to my grandfather's quote and my new way of perceiving those words spoken so long ago...I see now that in not doing what can be done now I actually rob myself of many present moments. I worried about those forms for weeks and kicked myself for not getting them done and holding up Master Yoga etc. etc. I was so busy beating myself up that I did not enjoy my yoga, or the book I was reading because in the back of my mind I was worrying about this or that.

Yesterday, I woke up and quickly took care of some business regarding my leave of absence and I was free the whole day to just be. I enjoyed my day...it was sweet. I don't remember what I did but I know I wasn't worrying.

I love this thing called Yoga. I am grateful to my teachers and the divine Grace each of them bring to my life...even in the middle of the chaos I call my life I am very happy!

And yesterday, more forms came in the mail. :) Yes I set a deadline. I understand deadlines in a whole new way now.

Accepting Support....

As a grown woman...I am not good at accepting support from others. I always feel like I need to take care of everything myself. Well since moving to Los Angeles I have learned in some ways to accept support...and in others I still have a long way to go.

This morning I was blessed with a phone call from a dear friend. His name is Charlie. He was my first administrator when I got my first high school teaching job. I spent many times in his office working through the ups and downs of a first year teacher. When I left to be on the opening staff of a charter school...Charlie told me he wanted to continue mentoring me and help me with my new role as wife and my role as advisor. So we met weekly, and he taught me this great tool called Re-Evaluation Counseling or RC for short. And for the past six years I have enjoyed the support Charlie and RC offers...thank you.

So back to this morning...he called and we did a phone session. The tears came, I laughed, and got to the point I needed to get to. Then the best part the "out questions". The are designed to pull you out of the muck to remind you that in this moment nothing bad is happening.

So Trisha, What are the three oldest things in your refrigerator?
"Oh, goodness, the baking soda, three apples from when we first moved in, and the tablespoon off heavy whipping cream I don't want to throw away." His response, "perfect"

"How much snow will fall in Lake Tahoe this week." I said, "Seven Feet!" His response, "Exactly, and we so need it."

"Who will win the Tour de Sacramento this weekend." "Jeez, Charlie I have no idea, Jo Smoe."

His response, "Exactly!"

The best part of the those out questions is the fun we have connecting over the silliest of things...I found my breath slowed and my chest felt less constricted than it had all week and I was grateful for his support and even more grateful that I am getting better at reaching out and asking for help. Which reminds me I need to send a few emails...

I hope you find the support when you most need it and even more so hope I can offer you support along the way. Isn't that why we are all here anyway to learn to work together?

Love this little man...

Last night I called my sister. Hello sister, is our customary way of greeting one another. In response I hear the joyful glee of my sweet nephew, "Its Tia, mommy its my Tia." I said sweet one you are my favorite except for Carlos...gotta cover my bases.

My sister takes me off speaker phone but I can still hear my nephew in the background..."I am Tia's favorite"

My sister tells me that earlier that day after getting dressed he said to her, "I am grown up now can I drive mom?" He will be three in April...wow. We both laughed and share what sisters share. The beauty and the pain of this world and all the while that little rambucious guy exclaiming in the background, "I am Tia's favorite."

What a blessing...

I am angry today...not very yogic I know....

About two weeks ago, I watched my sweet partner as he articulated his goals for the year. It was a surprisingly easy and comfortable conversation. I wonder what had I done to get it right this time. Nonchalantly I asked, "when will you travel overseas for work?"

"Not for awhile, a lot of the projects are on hold because of the economy." I heard every alarm go off in my head but in that moment I reminded myself that we were fine. We needn't worry. I said a little prayer to protect our little family and continued to listen with glee the plans Carlos was making for his career and coping with living so far from his family and friends. He never ceases to amaze me with the wisdom way beyond his years.

This past Tuesday, I was finishing my Ujjayi Breathing Practice, when the phone sang the alluring tango that signifies Mi Amor, sweet C is calling. I pick up and hear something in his voice I can't quite place. "Babe, do you have any classes today? any clients?" I replied, still perplexed and unable to place what my was not being communicated with words, "No, not today sweet one." He then said, "okay babe I will meet you at home soon."

I slowly made my way down to the kitchen to start dinner and as I came out of the blissful cloud of the Ujjayi I really registered that something was not right. So I called him back and fought my desire to vomit. "My company laid off 25 people and I was one off them. I am going to Bill's I will be home later."

Oh, God. I have been on a roller coaster ride since. In four days I feel like I have lived a decade. I vacillate between feeling totally excited about all this can mean for both of us together and independently and completely pissed off.

Today, I am angry. I am terrified and unsure of what my life will look like in one month. I had to call our landlord yesterday and tell him the news. What a place to stand. Luckily, I have a cushion in the bank but that money was earmarked for my yoga business.

It is back to the drawing board. I keep telling myself anything is possible but today I am angry. I don't feel passionate or anything creative. I am just pissed. Pissed off at this crazy world that lives in fear and can't pull itself together.

Is this the sum of our days...we as a society are so driven to consumption and personal gain we can no longer see what is truly important? Do these companies really need to be laying people off? Are they projecting loss and trying to cover this loses by buckling down now? Why can't anyone see that we all just need to finacially absorb a little piece of this crisises and it will pass. I asked myself today, were those companies happy when they were making money hand over fist the past ten years and now frigthened by the slowing of thier profits that they have become accustomed to they act in fear. One decisions causes a ripple affect. I can't even say that this rant doesn't have some ill effect but I need to get it off my chest before I suffocate myself.

Tomorrow is a new day, I pray that I can come through to the other side, great my sweet clients and teach a class that will take each of them to the place the need to be and along the way find a little peace myself. Maybe even tonight when I sit down to meditate may I find peace and recapture my Self but today in this moment I am just pissed.

Anything is possible.

I awoke today with an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. I was smiling and dancing in the shower. I couldn't believe how differently my mood was today versus say the last week. As a small business owner I am constantly chosing to stay in the postive mode inspite of all I hear in the media. Well, the over looming financial crisis entered my personal life in a new way yesterday evening at the dinner table. I asked my sweet partner Carlos when he would be travelling overseas for work and he said the projects are being pushed back due to the economy.

That was my first thought this morning and I decided to chose that anything is possible instead of worry what may happen down the road. Today is a marketing day. I am out in the cities of Silver Lake and Echo Park to leave flyers and hopefully make connections. As I was driving down the road on a extremely beautiful day. I noticed anew a familiar site. On the corners one can often see men selling whole coconuts with straws...coconut milk...yum, mango slices, water, or flowers.

I thought to myself. This is what I love about LA. Anything is possible. Who knew the sun would shine so brightly today. Those men on the corner smile each day as if the whole world is just perfect. This was a shift for me as before when I drive down the road and see these men on the corners I felt saddness...why? Good question. But this time it was different. Anything is possible, Saturday I can have 10 to 20 clients at my workshop and make a connection that will support both Mary Jo--my business partner and ayurvedic practioner or for Judy Fuller another Svaroopa® Yoga teacher or even a connection for myself...anything is possible and as long as I choose the positive the sun will shine brightly and I will smile everyday like the men on the corner knowing that everything is perfect.

If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers.

Recently I was at a book talk with Sri Swamini Mayatitananda and she said many things that made me really think about my life as a yogi. One statement she said which I know well within myself and rarely—to never—hear it spoken about so openly really sent me into deep contemplation. Mother, as she is warmly referred to, said: “Woman’s health is central to the health of her family, community, and the world”. She went on to say that a women’s health is directly tied to her menstrual health. I felt refreshed and driven or fearful all at the same time. My menstruation cycle has wreaked havoc on my mind and body for mywhole life and recently it has at times taken total control over my being. I knew I had to act and I just did not know what to do. A few scenes flashed through my mind…

…a recent visit to my Western Doctor for my annual check-up revealed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. This revelation sent me into a tailspin that has taken much of my focus for the last several months…

…when having my vedic chart read in the summer of 2007 there was a sweet revelation—if I have a child it will happen by my 39th year. I am just a few months shy of my 37th birthday…

I want health and wellness for myself, for my partner, for my community, and my world. So I will be the change I want to see by diligently working to return balance to my own body therefore allowing me to work in the world sharing the wisdom I have gained through this great journey of life and recently through my yoga training.

The saving Grace has been working with an Ayurvedic Practioner using the sister science of Yoga to work on the imbalance in my system with herbs, maintaining a daily routine, and a balanced diet. Working towards a daily Mediation Practice, Pranayama (Breathing) Practice, Asana Practice and lovingly preparing food for Carlos have really helped to bring me back into balance.

I recently found myself in a bit of conflict. Mainstream Ayurveda teaches that women should menstruate with the Full Moon and ovulate on the New Moon. Mother Maya presents a different perspective and notes it is a lost teaching she is trying to bring forward. Her teachings say that a woman should menstruate with the New Moon and ovulate on the Full Moon.

My cycle has been erratic for a good part of my life, and completely high jacked from 19-26 by western medicine’s wonderful idea of the birth control pill. Let us chemically convince the body that it is constantly pregnant for 7 years…I still pay the price for this endeavor.

Since applying the Ayurvedic principles to my life I started to find health in my menstruation but was not ovulating with the Full Moon like Mother teaches. I asked my Ayurvedic Practioner and she confirmed what she was taught—by men—that women ovulate with the New Moon. She even talked about it logically that with the New Moon it is a time for new beginnings and during the Full Moon we are full with our menses. A friend and a practioner of Mother’s teachings gave an equally logical argument for the opposite. We should be in celebration at the Full Moon celebrating life with our partner and going inward at the New Moon to have our menses and rejuvenate ourselves. All these women are women I have great respect for and I was feeling conflicted.

So, I got down on my meditation cushion and prayed to Amma—my Guru—what do I do Amma? Finally, I surrendered. I said, “Amma I am but a human and I can not fathom all the mysteries that you understand so I surrender to you. My cycle will line up with the moon in the way it is supposed to and I will leave it up to you.”

Two nights later my answer came in a very beautiful way—I had a very vivid dream. The dream was full of orange…in many hues and the color a swami wears. Mother is a swami and wears orange. As the dream began, I found myself hurriedly preparing for a visit for a talk with Mother. She had given me specifics on how to lay out the room including two specific alters to have out. One alter was to be on the left side of the room next to the speaking podium and the other alter was to be on the right side of the room. The alter on the left was a Natrajani (Dancing Shiva and the male primordial form) and the alter on the right was Shakti (The primordial feminine form).

In a rush of orange Mother entered the room, embraced me and said you have done well. We just need to shift a few things around in here. Swiftly she switched the placement of the alters moving the Natrajani to the right and Shakti to the left and the dream ended. Yes there is much to be seen in this metaphor as in Hindu philosophy the left is the feminine side of the body and the right is the masculine. When there is harmony these two elements are in balance with one another.

If you ask…she listens and if you listen she answers. There was my answer. Slowly since having this dream my cycle has moved from starting on the Full Moon to almost being in line with the New Moon. I celebrate the beauty of surrendering to the Divine and know that my health is better and each day I grow stronger physically and mentally.

Now I must get out in the world and do the work of a warrior in a modern society. I vow to bring the healing magic of Yoga and Ayurveda to women and therefore all in the process keeping my vow to help end the woes of this world.

The Guru's Arrow

Rama said, “I am the arrow shot from my Guru’s bow and I make no apologies” as she uses her hand in her signature way to mimic an arrow flying through the air. I chuckle a little and she locks eyes with me in her knowing way as she and I both know I have been the target of that said arrow.

My mind wanders as I begin to process the very incident that provoked my significant chuckle. I was at Yoga Business Skills and for some time had struggled with the fine balance of taking control of my life and surrendering to God. I somehow believed if I just surrendered to God everything would just work out—hmm. I had expectations that Yoga Business Skills would help me understand how to do this as we were studying The Bhagavad-Gita.

Ah, expectations. I felt really conflicted internally that I could not only choose my ideal client but Rama was encouraging me to do so. As I was thinking of my ideal client I was also battling the idea that I wanted an ideal partner to share my yogic path and had failed twice since my divorce three years prior. Recently, I decided to stop looking and focus on being kind to myself but still felt plagued by this hole in my life.

As we settle in for an afternoon discussion regarding the Bhagavad-Gita, I tried to voice my frustration and lack of clarity around the line between effort and surrender. I asked Rama and used my personal life as an example,
“How Rama do I know when I need to take action and when I surrender? I have tried to find a mate and I have recently decided to put it in the hands of the divine.”
She smiled lowered her voice and said, “You aren’t going to like this,”
“Okay, go ahead.”
“You need to cut your hair, get a make over and start wearing form fitting clothes.”

She was right initially I was furious. My chest started to tighten and my breaths were far from full yogic breaths. The tears welled up and there I sat in the front row. I quietly moved to the bathroom, shut the door, and settle in for a nice long wallowing in my own sorrows. I recently discovered a long repressed memory of being molested as a child by a man who worked for my parents and I thought to myself how dare she say to me I need to wear more form fitting clothes I am a victim of sexual abuse, I am a high school teacher, I am yoga teacher I don’t need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to my body.

Then in the quiet of the dark bathroom I realized I was not a victim, I was not a high school teacher, I was not a yoga teacher and Rama obviously saw more in me than I could see. So, I did a few recapture breaths and composed myself so I could go back to Rama’s lecture. I sat in the back of the room and cried for forty five minutes. There was no stopping the tears but I sat through the lecture and listened carefully.

As a high school teacher I often say things or notice things in my students that I see may be holding them back. I try to gently reveal these blocks to my students but sometimes it blows up. Knowing this I decided to look for the message under the words. The words still stung but I was obviously missing something. I prayed for assistance and sat with the whole thing during meditation.

Over the coming months I continued to contemplate what I was missing. I did begin to wear more form fitting clothes and watched as my opinion of my body changed. I made sure my hair was done daily instead of always pulling it back and I wore a little make-up. I noticed that the way people were treating me was different. Then the boon. My guru gave a talk and discussed how there are three components to things happening in one’s life: effort, God’s Grace, and timing. I realized that I need to put forth effort in my life in the form of loving myself. I could surrender all want but without action there is no change and why am I here? To live a life of action and service to God. And love why love is all there is correct?

I needed to put forth effort not just to realize my dream of having a yoga studio but also of finding a life partner. I also needed to deeply understand that love is within me as an ever present flow. Even now I find tears on my face because it all seems so simple. As I put forth effort and faith in the Divine everything started to fall into place so quickly.

What I now understand is Rama sees to the Divine within each one of us. She has a gift, no doubt, and in her task in this lifetime she can say things that appear to cut to the quick but it is for the greater good. I wrote in a letter to Rama, “I honor all your qualities including your Kali-like ability to slice through my ignorance.” That is exactly what she did that day she cut through my small sense of self so I could discover the beauty within. For that I bow to her feet and the feet of Muktananda. My life is ever changed as I now realize that the possibilities are limitless—if I am open to them.