Life is a celebration; one just never knows...

It is the time of year that leads to reflection. As the year closes one sits in quiet reflection...coming and goings...what filled this year? Many many things filled this year...It seems strange but I actually feel like I started the year as a young girl and emerged as a woman. Finally. I emerged from my cocoon ready to fly.

In all the trials and tribulations of this year I learned that life is a celebration. I learned to say I love you without fear, to speak with clarity and compassion, and to be gentle to myself. I learned to rest in the moment and love everything I do...even if it is hard or scary.

I close this year thinking I never thought my life would be the way it is but it seems so perfect. I close this year grateful that each new day brings the next adventure and I am walking towards each new day with my arms wide open.

Mariana came a pirouetting today...

as I sat in the warm glow of morning meditation...

she came in a glorious blur of light

eyes of blue with soft curls too

turning, laughing, and turning...

the laughter bounced upon the walls and fell around me

and bruised by mind...

she pirouetted right there in that sacred space

dancing and laughing a bundle of joy and innocence

pirouetting Mariana pirouette

in a whisper came a deafening sound

a thought well known...I didn't ask to be here.

what is best sweet Mariana...what is best for I know not

you sweet divine being...tell me.

turning.. a dashing grin...disappearing

and I wondered

¿cómo he llegado hasta aquí

Sadness in the Silence

Sadness isn't a place that I visit much anymore but when I do it is as uncomfortable as it ever was. I am ever perplexed by the silence I find in this world. Being a communicator by nature and valuing each human being as a drop of the divine, I struggle when those near and dear to me use silence as a means of communication. It is quite destructive...slowly eroding faith and trust.

It is so strange because open communication often shines light on those ways in which our minds can deceive and manipulate us. Communication frees us from our fears created in our smallest minds and opens our eyes to the infinite possibilities available.

Being on the receiving end of silence always makes me feel like I am being punished. There is nothing I find more confining and frustrating then the pain it evokes. No matter how I try I can not shake it and always forget...it really isn't about me.

I have yet to find the answer...but what exactly does this silence mean and why does it have such a hold over me?

A delicate balance....

Today I had a lovely opportunity to watch my mind and all its delicious ways it likes to MESS with me. I had to pull out all the stops. I set about to make my space beautiful and shinny clean and FINALLY put away all the clothes I washed before I went to Tahoe this weekend.

I can't just clean one part of the house and move on. I have to clean the whole house at once and everything looks like a disaster for a good five hours. A friend once said, "you must have ADD". You see I work in one area...like the kitchen and I can focus for about 20 minutes and then my mind starts up. what if...

So I start my mantra and move to another room...like the bathroom. I sweep the floor, hand wash the edges of the room and then around the toilet and then my minds starts up. what if...

So I start my mantra and move to bedroom to fold and hang the laundry. First I have to organize it and then I can work more efficiently to hang everything up. Yoga pants, tops, skirts, shorts, socks, etc... and then my mind starts up. what if...

Then when I look around and realize there is nothing left to do and I smile and then laugh at myself and the journey I took inward while outwardly taking care of my living quarters.

A text comes in...i have been thinking...

I left the house and walked to get away from my mind...to get away from all the thoughts that were slowly encroaching on my freedom. I have decided life is a delicate balance and it is all out of my hands.

All the while as I watched this whole thing unfold, I know I am still happy and I am still present but it seems today was a little cloudy on the inside and I had to work to stay mySelf...it didn't come easy.

I really had to laugh at the battle I created within today; I am still laughing. Especially in realizing I misunderstood said text.

The beauty of modern technology and the distortion of the mind...not a good combo.

My heart is full...brimming with love.

A trip to the mountains and a chance to sit on the shores of the Lake that I so love as well as watching a sunset from the top of Heavenly...it charged my battery...so to speak.

I am constantly amazed by life right now. Every where I turn there is sooo much beauty. I was with a friend in my studio today and he pointed out the lovely view of the parking lot and I laughed because I never notice it...

Then I said here lay down on the floor and all you will see is beautiful sky and green trees. Then during class as my clients were settling in for final Shavasana I looked up and noticed the sun was setting and creating an alpen glow effect...I feel so blessed. Soo much beauty.

I am not quite sure what will happen from day to day but what I do know is I will be okay. This has created some sweet moments in the past week for which I am grateful. (thank you)

Today was hard...

Who will pay by all these budget cuts in our schools--yes the children. It was a day full of sorrow--I was on the edge of tears all day. Something in me really shifted when I saw Annette--our every on it librarian--start to cry.

It doesn't help that it is the end of the term...the kids and the teachers have spring fever. After a day like this, there is nothing I want more than to hear I matter...to be held tight and told everything will be alright...

Humbled...

Where does one begin when one is quite confounded...maybe one should check in with their ego and have a chat or two.

I found myself recently back in an unexpected place with an unexpected person who not only delights me but also confounds me. I watched as each moment unfolded...stunned once again by the beauty of this sweet soul that I believe I love more than any other.

Then as with some love stories it was like a screech of the record when flow stopped and reality set in. I found myself lost in myself...lost in the most intense emotions...I felt like I was in a ocean and I was barely keeping my head above water. Each day, as I laid down to recoup, I would celebrate making it through another day.

Then came the storm which drove me as far away from Self as it could and then back. Then I saw it...my ego...the desire at the root. One of my good friends said...ah you are clearing a desire; those are the most painful.

I was shocked to see what I saw. First some strange tale I tell myself about not being good enough. (I thought I was done with that) Second, as a result of my desire, my ego was busy manipulating away...manipulating me...trying to manipulate others. Not such a pretty sight to see.

I was quite disgusted with myself...which is giving way to a more gentle acceptance and forgiveness. I pray for grace. It is definitely humbling to see the ego at work and the ways in which it still controls me even after all the travelling I have done...cheers to progression. Waiting for the brick wall to soften and to truly stand in the bliss of my true self.

Wow...dating...really

Its been a year since...and I am yet tentative to re-enter the dating scene. I find the whole menagerie somewhat intimidating. So many rules and nuances that make no sense to me. I opened the door a sliver and I find myself utterly confused and confounded.

Confounded

something
utterly simple
that smile

yet--something complicated
that it stirs up--inside

something
utterly luminous
in those eyes

yet--something complicated
that they show--deep inside

Wonder why
when wondering why
rarely leads anywhere

always returning
that same place...

something
utterly simple
that smile

and whispering...maybe this time...

a gift that continues to give...Parvati

This week was one of much turmoil. I feel more calm on the inside so when the outside world gets turbulent I get nervous and revert back to some of my less than favorite coping mechanisms. Then I have to laugh at myself.

I really don't get how to deal with the dysfunction I see in public schools. I just want to teach...but then again is that my dharma? I made a simple comment at a meeting that ignited a chain of evens that had me seriously contemplating walking away from teaching. (Yes, the Pitta was up and I was not able to stay as we say in my toes).

I took the whole situation way to personally. I felt so attacked and mis-understood and like the odd man out. Too many old patterns that have never served. I went to sleep on Friday night and through out the night mantra-like I saw a succession of images in my dream that clearly told me: you are the igniter Parvati don't take this personally. You must stand firm, even in the fire, even when you feel scared. Don't run...but sit in it. It will pass. When I awoke I remember back to the day I was given the name Parvati...Nirmalanda did say you know she is the igniter...I get it better now then I did then.

Then I felt a intense push to just be me and stop apologizing for the beautiful person I am or trying to stay small so not to offend.

Just sit...

Just sit

We called to Shiva and I remembered how you smiled when we danced in our living room

We called to Krishna and I lost myself in the words; I found reprieve

We called to Radha and many sweet moments came to mind
each time I bade them good bye
and the tears ran down my face

I called to Amma and prayed for her to take it all away
she called back and said just sit

sit in the love
sit in the fear
sit in the anger
sit in the pain
sit in the joy
just sit

I turned to my inner sanctuary and found you there in the center of the lotus of my heart

You pulled me down and there we sat as the memories came to visit
a touch in passing in passing a basket full of flowers full of flowers blessed with love

I ran to go and you said just sit here and pulled me in
then you wrapped your arms around me and then you became me and I became you and we sat some more.

I looked down and we were so intertwined I couldn't find your end and my beginning

...just sit.

how...

why you resist me sweetest one
for I am here

close your eyes--end your seeking
I have been here all the while

merge into me love--long have I waited..

how...

like two drops of water

The Sweetness in all things...

My journey to and back from LA offered so many opportunities to look at my Self, my life circumstance, and allowed me to rest in a place that I never fathomed existed.

I moved to LA full of hope and love...love for life...my teacher Amma...Carlitos...and being alive. I was hopeful of sharing Svaroopa Yoga with LA and deciding if I would ever re-enter the high school classroom. I did not know what my future held...I like to say I had no expectations but I did and I never thought it would end or begin again the way it did.

The last week in LA, I was out grocery shopping--a normal part of my routine--however it was the last time I would shop for my sweet little household. It started to dawn on me that Carlos and I were going separate ways and my inner state surprised me to say the least.

I was full of love; I remember looking at the clouds illuminated by the sunlight and I asked myself where is all this love coming from...who are you in love with? The resounding answer...I am in love with this life...with myself...with Shiva. (enter preferred deities name here)

As I packed and continue to prepare meals and do laundry that last week I was adsorbed in love. Mind you while facing the possibility of the dreaded word--cancer. At the time, I thought thank you Amma for taking care of me in this time of great need.

But, it never stopped...granted I still have moments of saddness, or frustration, or anger but my predominate state is pure bliss...a love so delightful that it sustains me through every task I undertake.

My perspective on things and my attachments to people and things have certainly changed. I still get upset but I always arrive at the same end spot...that person, that situation is so worthy of love and compassion. I cling less and count on others outside of myself less. I also have deeper connections to those who are close to me. There is an ease to my days and in my relationships.

There have been some unforeseen explosions in my life and although saddened by them I trust that I am no longer the driver of my course. I have learned that in each thing there is a time frame and when the time comes the time comes. Each time I have felt anxiety over a door closing I look to find new paths untravelled that didn't seem to be there before. This whole process has taught me to listen and to be present and know that always always I will always have Shiva...always have the Self...always have all the love I could ever want right here within the tiny frame--my vehicle for this lifetime.

So, here I am back in Sacramento, back in the High School Classroom, back to health and wellness, very different but more the same and ever absorbed in love...that my friend is the sweetest nectar. Yet, I am still human and that is even sweeter yet.

In Peace and utterly in love, Parvati